well its thursday!! yup another boring day at work. well alot has been happening since my last blog entry so let me get started.

first up is shante. we started talking again and now the feelings are back. today is the last draw tho. i sent her a txt saying that if she doesnt feel the same then just let me go. she told me that shes not over me but if your not over me then why dont you be with me?? anyway i dont wanna go thru this anymore with her. i dont wanna be second place to someone else. i know i should try to be her friend but i cant cause when i see her or her son i want nothing more to kiss her anyway thats enuff of that besides two things can happen with that txt. 1) shes gunna call me a asshole or 2) shes gunna not even answer it. i rather have her not txt me cuz i dont feel like reading some mean shit today lol

second up since my friends know about whats be happening with me and shante they put me on two blind dates hahaha. the first chick was crazy as hell. we went to dinner and all she talked about was her ex and how she hates men!! so after dinner i just left and the second chick was cool down to earth and very pretty but no sparks there either she a sweetheart and we still talk maybe ill give her another chance but for now i just wanna keep to myself and get over shante. dont wanna get into another relationship knowing i still have strong feelings for someone else.

thrid up my mothers been sick for along time and she told me she has cancer. yup just want i needed to hear when im already depressed but she says shes gunna be ok and keep me updated. so ill keep you guys updated with that.

well thats it for now ill keep you guys posted!!

i was writing my blog when it hit me, why dont we have a chat room feature? i think it would be great for all of us to be able to chat with one another instead of writing emails and stuff. what do you guys think?

hey everyone!!! im sitting here doing nothing so said why not make a blog entry lol. well today i had to work yeah it sucked but it went by pretty quick i must say. so it wasnt that bad. anyway me and shante been talkin these past few days so thats also a good thing but .......... today i told her i cant talk to her anymore so yeah we aint friends. when i talk to her i pretend to be something im not and thats a friend. everytime i talk to her my feelings come right back like we just broke up yesterday. its like my mind says just be her friend but my heart says you know better so i just said fuck it im sad when i dont talk to her and im sad when i do so its a lose lose situation. so i took the lesser road. i rather have her remember me as someone special then someone crazy lol. its sad cuz she is a wonderful person and i would do anything for her and her son but i would only do it just in hopes of getting her back and thats not right for the both of us. shes happy and thats all that matters. besides one day we'll talk again and be real friends. anyway right now im waiting on a call from someone and she better call!!!!

i woke up this morning with a different feeling, a feeling of content. i gotta say i feel damn good right now lol. i been feeling like hell cause of everything me qnd my ex was going thru but today i woke up and said fuck it lol yeah i know that sounds mean but hey i feel good so fuck it hee hee. i been tryna to get her back for 3 months but you know what i cant do it anymore. well i kinda stopped a week ago when i got her back as my friend but this week we kinda just stopped talking. hell last i talked to her was on tuesday, some reason she doesnt reply to my txt. iam kinda worried cuz thats a first and i do hope everything is ok with her and her son but most likely shes just busy with all the pre apt stuff for next month. i do love her but theres nothing i can do but make sure im happy now that shes happy. i do hope we are still friends and if anything i got her a gift for her apt so ill see her next month to give her that. so i guess today starts a new day for me so ken break out the fireworks, one tough cookie bring some of that spainsh rice you made lastnight, mary you know i want those porkchops lol and celestia you can come along for the ride lol

whats for dinner cause im hungry?????? now on a serious note iam hungry  and dont know what to get or cook. any ideas anybody???

well im at work bored as hell. theres nothing to do here man i cant wait till 4pm comes so i can get the hell outta here lol. anyway lastnight i didnt get no sleep. thats not anything new tho its been like that for so long. i have so much on my mind that i think im gunna kill myself lol nah just playing about that last part folks. if i did that then whos gunna make you guys laugh lmao. anyway i couldnt sleep cuz i cant for the life of me get shante (my ex) outta my head. i think ive tried everything. i even tried to tell myself she doesnt care for me but nothing works. i guess im just tired of everything thats been goin on. i walk down the street and see people with there kids i think of her son. i see people kissing i think of her. i listen to music or do sumthing we used to do i think of her. i think the only thing keeping my sane is that i know shes happy but i know she can be happy wit me. i just dont know anymore. i guess i feel like this cuz its raining outside and i used to love seeing her in this weather lol anyway i feel better writing this and ill post something better later on

well i had a ok day till the end. work went by good no problems there but when i got home i saw one of my friends with his daughter. so i started holding her and realized how much i want a family. i started thinkin about my ex cuz we was kinda talkin about jasmine ( we both wanted a baby girl and that was gunna be her name lol ) it felt good to talk to her about kids but then it felt bad cuz i know it wont happen. atleast for now i think it wont. yup the story of my life i couldve had sumthing good and in the end when i realy want it its gone smh. damn thinking about it now i just dont know what else to say so ill just keep you guys posted

well another monday is upon us. which means tomorrow back to work lol. yeah what fun. anyway i havent wrote anything in awhile so i said fuck it let me write a lil sumthing. first off my ex. i got her back as my friend last monday and im sumwhat happy about that. i do love her and hope i do get her back but as for now everything is good. at least thats what i think lol. i did kinda slip up tho i kinda asked her a personal question about her and her bf. i guess i got to comfortable with our new friendship. she did get mad but i told her sorry and that it wont happen again. see im the type that even tho we friends i still wanna know everything lol. anyway one slip up for the week aint bad hee hee. thats about it for me the weekend i didnt do anything stayed home and relax. got work tomorrow which sucks : ( and thats it. as always ill keep u great people posted

i hate working on saturdays man. theres never nothing to do here. the building is quite and i think im gunna set this place on fire so i can get sum action around here!!! if u want me to set this mutha on fire give me a hell yeah on my comments hahaha

yup i got my my ex back as my friend at least and im gunna keep it like that. yesterday i didnt have to work so i went to her job wit a peace offering and told her that im sorry for the way i been acting and that i want her in my life as my friend. i guess u can say i cant be greedy anymore if we was meant to be together it will happen if not then its ok as long as shes in my life im cool wit everything. as always ill keep you guys posted

well i txt my ex to see if we can be friends. im not completely over her but iam alil to start a good friendship.  i know that she wont txt back but i had to try at least. she brings sumthing good to the table friendship wise and i would very much love for her to be in my life as my friend. well ill keep you posted on that

how the hell did sumone beat me to kens number 1 spot damnit!!!!!!!!!!!! lmfao. well im number 15 now so i guess im coming after you new guy!!!!

who wouldve thought i would be feeling better after yesterday . lastnight i was laying down thinking about everything and as much as i love her and her son i have to just move on. i wanna thank ken for ur advice yesterday, i cant make sumone have feelings for me no matter how much i try and also mary for talkin to me about everything thru email on this site. but im not gunna forget everyone else who sent me messages lastnight and wished me luck. i guess u could say i was scared cuz i didnt want her to forget about me but i kno she wont and i will neva forget my family. anyway like always ill keep u posted

well if u been reading my blog you would know whats going on in my life. today i had to let go of sumone that ment the world to me. today had to be the worst day cuz it was fucking hot plus im at work and to just top it off this happens. i knew when i came to this site that i wasnt gunna hold anything back and that if i was gunna write about my life i was gunna go full force. my ex also writes in this site. her name is pink lotion. now i know i really shouldnt be here blogging but i said i been reading her blog for so long what the hell lmao. i gotta admit that when i was chillin at work and my boss came to me and asked me how was my girl i started tearin up. i told him whats been happening and he was gunna give me a week off to just calm down and chill haha so i guess sumthing good came outta this even tho i didnt take it. see im a security supervisor for trump so i really dont do anything but tell otha people what to do and greet famous and rich people all day. well the whole day i been thinking of her and this whole thing and as much as im gunna miss her i think im really upset because im never gunna see her son again. see the whole time we was goin out i never wanted to chill wit her son when we first started goin out. thats when i didnt want kids and stuff. but at the end when i did see him and i knew that i wanted nothing more then to be his father.but it was to late. i could sit here and say wtf happen to us but i already know. see wanted to get an apt and move in wit me and start our family but i always stalled. at one point i was looking for sum apt by myself so i can make a list and be like look lets go to these places but it was to late she already found sumone else. now the reason i kinda say she loves me is because i always knew of the new man in her life but everytime i was wit her and i asked her are u to goin out she would say no we just talkin. when she came here to sleep ova on my vacation and we get drunk she even said that they didnt go out and i didnt even bring it up. hell she was followin my friend arould the house telling him that she loves me and that she wants me. like i said when she get tipsy she tells the true. i drunk mind speaks a suber heart is what she told me that night. shit even tho that night we had sex which means she cheated on her new man i thought i was gunna get her back but i was wrong. as i write this i feel like shit cuz im never gunna see what i like to call my son again. that hurts the most outta all this. i always used to think that when we did get our apt that i would come home and he would run to me and say hey daddy. thats basically what i been fighting for the whole 3 months. for him. i know one day shes gunna read this blog and be like im full of shit about everything i been writing but well see. well i kinda feel sumwhat better writing that but i know later on im gunna feel like shit. i know she dont care about me anymore and maybe its good that i know that. i always made her a promise and i always keep my promises that im still no matter what gunna be saving my money for our apt and even tho i know i have a better chance of hitting the lotto 3 times in a row im still gunna keep that promise besides if all goes well shell get her place in a few months and i would know i kept my promise. well thats all for today so stay tuned for my next blog titled heeeeee heeeeeee im numba so and so on hot blog hahahahaha

well folks i knew this day was gunna come. me and my ex are no longer talking. i could say that im happy but im not but what can u do. i told her this morning that i was gunna take txtin off my phonce cuz that was basically how we talked so i can get ova her. now what does she do??? she txt's me like she didnt know. so basically to make a very long story short we got into it and she tried to flip everything on me. so now we dont talk. as much as i can sit here and say i hate her i dont i will always love that crazy girl lol. i think outta everything im really gunna miss almost being a father. wow as i wrote that a tear came down my cheek. iam sad that things are like this or that shes a stubborn asshole and cant see that we are good for each otha. finally sumone comes into my life that i would die for and i cant even be her friend anymore and its cuz i want more then that. i guess u can can both call us stubborn. well if she is reading this then i do love you and ur son, and wanted nothing more but to be the provider for our family and hope one day we can talk again if not then you we be missed and hope everything goes well in ur life

yuppers im coming for that numba one spot kenneth. get those fire works ready cuz i want a damn party!!!!!!!!!!!!! lmao. i know i know im silly just glad people like my lil blog is all. ill post sumthing betta alil later.

well lastnight i txt my ex again. we start talkin again on saturday so i guess u can say we are friends, well on my end we are lol. anyway like i said i txted her lastnight tellin her that i miss her and that i still wanna take care of her and her son which i do but i know its not gunna happen. i was thinkin about that all night last night me wanting a family and things. see im 24 and when i met this person i did care for her but i didnt want those things. i told her i didnt want no kids or anything like that. i guess u could say i was young and dum back then lol. see now that she basically opened my eyes to wantin a family and kids i dont have her. as much as i try not to think about it i cant. i guess u could say the sad thing is i know that we both care alot for each otha but she doesnt trust me cuz of the things i said in the past about kids and shit like that. hell then she slept ova and got drunk all she did was talk about how she misses me and wants me back. i kno what ur thinking people she was drunk haha but when she gets tipsy or drunk she opens up and tells how she really feels. i told her lastnight that i dont think ill truly get over her till she does get a place for her and her son. it sucks cuz if u people would see us together its like we already married lmao. oh well i have been makin sum kinda progress tho. we hardly talk now so i guess thats a good way to start gettin ova sumone. but one things for sure if i get her back im askin her to marry me lol but i know deep down inside that wont happen. well i guess thats it for today. ill keep u guys posted

its monday i didnt get no sleep last night cuz im stressed and im not feeling good. thank good im off today lol. anyway my weekend was boring and i just stayed home and relaxed. right now im just gunna watch some tv and pass out and hope i wake up tomorrow for work anyway ill post sumthing later on. BYE!!!!!!

well ive been sitting here thinking of my ex and i caught myself txtin her to try to be friends at least. she hasnt txt me back and i think she wont. in a way maybe its a good thing that she doesnt but i would love to continue talkin to her. maybe instead of tryin to get her back all this time i shouldve tried to build our friendship.  i did say i was gunna stop but i just cant stop cold turkey. i would love to be in her and her sons life as sumthing then nothing but i think i wont get that option. its kinda hard to just stop talkin to sumone u really wanted to build with. i guess in time i will learn not to txt her but i do hope she txts back. ill keep u guys posted

lol wow i cant believe my second day posting and im already on the 51 spot on hot blogs. oh shit son glad everyone loves me and my problems trust me there will be more on the way lol

damn i wish i was still on my vacation man lol. when ur on vacation and dont do anything u wanna be at work but once your back u wanna be on vacation. aint that sumthing. well i had 2 weeks off and didnt really do anything. only fun i had was when my someone special came ova wit her son to sleep over. i got to play wit him and we both cooked and stuff like that. oh and we got drunk wit my friend justin haha she was tellin my friend that she cares for me and stuff but we both knew it was the bacardi talkin lmao. anyway i woke up this morning and turned my phone on and had a txt from my special friend. she said that it would be best if we didnt talk and that she wasnt mad, for once i think im gunna agree wit her. she will be missed and thought of alot but i guess its time for me to move on. i do wish things were different hell i wanted a baby with her but hey who knows what the future holds for us but i do wanna say that i still love her cuz i know shes gunna read this (hey sexybones lol). anyway back to work  people maybe later ill post some work stories

damn who wouldve thought that posting your problems would feel so good haha. if you read my first blog then u would understand. i been depresed for about 3 months cuz i lost sumone very special to me but after writing about it i feel damn good heeeeeee heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee lol sorry just happy for once

hmmm well were do i start lol. first i meet this beautiful person about a year and a half ago and now shes gone from my life and im really hurt by it. i been trying to get her back but havent been lucky in that department. i been with so many girls within my life but i felt that she was the one that i really wanted to settle down with. yesterday i tried to get her back but it didnt work and i knew it wasnt but had to try cuz im deeply in love wit this person and her son. well she told me that she has sumone already and i hung up the phone. so after that we started talkin on txt and that didnt go well so now i basically lost out on what i wanted as my family. she said i wanted to long to do everything that we wanted to do but i feel i didnt. is it wrong that i wanna make sure that i wanna be in her sons life? and now that i kno she and her son is what i want its to late? now that i really wanted to live wit this person and be a father to her son now i dont have her. hell i wanted to marry her but now i lost her. she tells me to move on and i have no ova choice but to but how do u move on when all u wanna do is be the father to her son or her husband????? well i think thats all for today any advice would be great