well where do i start?? well this past monday me and a friend dante where gunna pay our respects to tj but we didnt go. not cuz i didnt want to but cuz on sunday shante told me that theres no tombstone hes just buried. i know i shouldve went but i want there to be a tombstone at least i it sounds stupid but just want everything to be perfect i guess when i go to pay my respects to tj. i been thinking about him almost everyday since he passed. i really do miss him alot. yesterday when i got home shante sent me a pic of him layin in the coffin and i cried so bad my mother just looked at me and said its gunna be ok. i dont think ill ever forget him. me and shante gunna have lunch on monday and shes gunna give me a picture of him so i can have one and a few other things. i been thinking about visiting tjs grave alot and decided that im gunna go on christmas eve to do it. thats my christmas present to myself. im kinda glad tj came into my life but sad i didnt take advantage till the end. i guess in the end tj changed me into a better man. i dont think i can ever forgive myself for acting the way i did when i was with his mother but i hope he forgives me.

well as some of you know im moving to jersey cuz of a better job there but im kinda thinking of not going. i think im getting tired of working for trump co. i feel like i should do sumthing better. me and my friend were looking online for state and federal jobs and saw that the secert service was hiring. i been thinking about that for a while now and the test is in december 15. as much as i dont wanna mess up my chances with getting that job in jersey cuz it is a good one i might take this test or if i dont take it kno i might take it next time. i know i can pass that test hands down but i gotta see if im ready for sumthing like that. i guess just wanna do sumthing good with my life instead of playing around. well see. as always ill keep you posted

they buried tj . i didnt go i couldnt go. i just cant handle the fact that if i go he wont look at me or say hello or anything for that matter. i guess im not strong enuff to see him like that. i wanted to go bad so i can support shante but i think she wouldve ended up supporting me lol. i wouldve never guess that tj wouldve made a big impact on my life as he did. i miss him alot and wish he was still alive so i can play with him but i know hes in a better place prolly playing dragonball z games or sumthing hee hee. anywa yesterday was thanksgiving and i had to work. yeah i know it sucked but got paid 31 dollars a hour so i think i can live with that lol. also for the first time thanksgiving dinner wasnt at my moms house this year. it was stranger coming home to a empty apartment. oh well i just wanted to be alone really and i got it so i was happy. well today is black friday!!!! this mean sales sales sales. which also mean ther will be crazy people out today so im gunna have to be careful. not really going to got on a shopping spree but theres a 40 inch sony lcd tv for 800 bucks so im gunna try to pic it up. im only buying it so when i move i have a tv for the living room plus thats cheap!!! hahaha cant pass that deal up. anyway im here at work listing to christmas music on the radio. i cant believe they already playing christmas music smh lol anyway ill keep you posted as always

i havent been doing good since tj died. i really miss him alot. i made a lil section for him on my myspace page. if anybody that knows of tj or his mother shante plz go to myspace.com/bxgladiator920 and leave a comment on tjs guestbook.

well the title says it all. this morning i got up turned my cellphone on and had a voice mail from shante. tj passed away lastnight. i dont even know how to handle this loss. i love him so much and now hes gone. i got to see him for the last time yesterday and i thank god for having the guts to ask shante if i could come and see him. he looked really bad when i got there. half of hes face was swollen really bad and he could hardly breath. i feel so guilty for not spending as much time with him when he wasnt sick. i guess thats a regret ill always have to live with. seeing shante cry yesterday was so heartbreaking. i cried when i say him yesterday but when i left i just couldnt hold it in anymore. im still crying. i lost a good friend lastnight but i know hes gunna be watching over shante. but ill make this last promise to him as long as im alive ill always watch over shante for him. i can promise him that. i txted her this morning teling her if she needs anything or just wants to meet up to talk then any place or anytime ill come. god i still cant believe his gone. i love you tj and will never forget you.

well about two days ago me and shante started talking again. she sent me a txt saying how tj was doing and not to txt her back but a few hours later she txt me back and we been talking since. well i asked her today if i can go to the hospital to see tj and she said yes. so after work im gunna go and see him. im happy cuz i thought i would never see him again and really sad cuz i know this will be the last time i ever see him cuz of hes cancer. i dont know what im gunna do when i get over there. im prolly gunna see tj and start crying and tell him im so sorry for everything. i know if he passes away and shante asked me to go to the funeral i wont go. i couldnt take it to see him there not alive but i will vist his grave every chance i get. i can promise that much. i truly wish i could take his place. ill keep yall posted

well yesterday i found out that my friend will just had a baby girl!!! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im happy for him and he cant wait to start taking care of her. she wasnt supposed to come till next month so shes still in the hospital. they gunna have a get together next month so ill be going to that. anybody got any good baby gift ideas??? lol. anyway thats all the good news i as of today so ill keep yall posted as always

before i start this i wanna say im a home person lol i rather stay home and chill with my friends then go outside since its cold now. well since im a home person i would think that i would like for all my shit that i like to do at home to work. well basically everything that i like to do at home is braking from the xbox to the computer lol. man i hate coming home and theres nothing to do but watch cable with we all know theres nothing on smh!!!! well it could be worst at least i dont have to pay for the repairs to the xbox and computer or al least i think i dont. ok theres my rant for the day time to go to work lol

well im gunna start off with i dont even kno what i was doing lol but heres the story. theres a guy i work with named mike. now i dont kno this guy that well just hello and goodbye. well i walked by him and he looked sad so i asked him whats wrong and he basically told me the same shit thats been going on with me and shante has been happening to him but just not as bad as me and my ex. he sat there and cried telling me he doesnt want it to end. so he ask me to go to the store with him at his lunch break. so 12 hits and im like were we going and he took me to a jewerly store to get a ring for his girl. now im kinda shocked cuz i didnt kno this is were we where going lol. so he looks at the ring he wanted and i have to say it was really nice. walking in the store looking at rings i kinda thought of shante. kinda wish i was getting sumthing for her lol anyway the ring he wanted cost around 5000 bucks and he only had 4 and change. he said that thats the ring he wanted so i did something that i never do. i want to the bank and give him 1 thousand bucks. when i handed it to him in my head i was like what the fuck did i just do lmao. i been thinking about it since i give it to him. a thousand bucks isnt really anything to me but it is alot of money. i guess deep down i didnt want him to lose what he had. i didnt want him to have no regrets or anything like that. just knowing that i helped sumone do something he wanted makes me feel good. haha he said hes gunna pay me back and that tonight hes gunna ask her so i just wished him luck. she better say yes that ring was nice lol. anyway ill keep you posted.

well i sent my ex a txt saying sorry for stressing her out. i kinda thought i was helping her by making her laugh and visiting her. i do wanna be there for her and tj but i guess in a why if her not talking  to me helps with her stress then im happy i can do sumthing. i told her that shes a strong woman that that no matter what happens to tj, tj will always think the same. i hope that put a smile on her face then her seeing my name pop up on her phone and getting mad. i told her that she will alway have a good friend in the bx and hope that i still got a friend in jersey. i kinda know whats gunna happen with that but i wont be mean but i kinda kno whats gunna happen. most likely ill neva see her again and if thats what life has in store for me then so be it but i hope not. she will be missed if thats the case tho. i know she read my txt she always does and i asked her if i was of to keep reading the blog just to keep updated with everything and that she can do the same. if she didnt want me reading it to send me a blank txt and i havent gotten it yet so i guess its ok. well we will see what the future holds for me and her i just hope i dont loss a good friend.

lastnight i didnt even sleep. how could i after everthing thats been happening? everything me and shante talked about saturday has been runing thru my mind and im starting to hate it. for the first time ever i think she really hates me. all i wanna do is be a good friend and be there for her and tj but why cant she see that what im doing is sincere? i know i made mistakes in the pass about him but should that affect the present now that i change and love her son like he was my own???? i dont ask for much just to be honest with me and let me hang with him sometimes thats all i want. i dont have no hidden ageda she knows upfront what i want.i understand that its her son and if she doesnt want me to see him but why now after  i seen him so many times. i just dont understand. maybe i wasnt meant to understand. just sucks that after almost two years i finally know what i wanted but didnt take the chance. i guess in some crazy way everything thats happening now i kinda deserve. just wish shante would see that everything im doing is sincere and wish she wouldnt look at the past. i love tj and ill prolly never see him again. i will pray that one day i do. ill keep yall posted

since i cant see him i  guess ill just say it here happy birthday tj. wish i couldve seen you

 update: i took a chance and txted her to ask if she can tell tj that i said happy birthday so i feel a lil bit better lol

i dont even get to say goodbye to tj on tuesday . i txted her this morning to make sure i was still coming and she told me not to and when i asked wy she said she thought long and hard about it and since i didnt see him in the hospital when we was together then i shouldnt see him now. i have to admit i was in shock when she said that. see as everyone knows since you can read her blog she has cheated on me and when i found out i wasnt gunna give her a chance cuz she fucked up but she told me that it was in the past and that we should only look forward to the future and she was right so i gave her a chance. wish she can do the same for me. ill admit i wasnt the best bf in the begining but i changed. when i met her i didnt want a family or kids or my own just her and her son but i didnt act like it. i finally realized that i wanted my family when she told me she wanted a baby with me. so i maned up but it was to late for her. ill be the first to admit to anybody on here that i screwed up and trust me i already know that everything i done since we broke up just looks like me getting her back and thats cuz its true. i do want her back i love her but she doesnt see the good i do as just that good. she compares me to yamil saying i things like well i just started going out with him and hes done everything i want and i cant say anything cuz its true. the fucked up part about it is that even when i stopped asking her out and be her friend she cant deal with that cuz i dont like yamil. so since i dont like yamil i cant have a future in her sons life and thats not right. i got a few emails from sum people on this site telling me to read her new blog and i did. she said this and i qoute

"i basically told my ex boyfriend/friend that i cant see him anymore because i have a man now and i dont want to make excuses when i see my ex"

i read that and got a lil mad. me and her been friends for 2 and a half months now and she throws our friendship away for her boyfriend cuz she doesnt wanna make excuse to him??? well dont. tell him ur going to hang with me. im a friend damnit wtf. i mean to throw away our friendship cuz your pulling yamil on hold to chill with sumone you known longer is crazy. funny she said that i wouldnt tell all of you that i fucked up but she wont man up and tell everyone that she already cheated on yamil with me smh. why just tell my shit and not urs?? when we was hangin out going to lunch and i would talk about a family she isnt gunna tell you that she smiles and wants the samething or her telling me that shes gunna come over my apt when i move to jersey and chill and wait for me when im not there. ( she was gunna have a spare key) or my fave my getting a txt saying hurry up and get ur apt cuz times like these ( she was coming home from the hospital on a sunday)  so i can be there instead of going home. its just crazy that that she can say all these things and when it gets down to it just throw everything away for yamil. we talk almost all day when i get a chance to come to the hospital i go. ive taken off work to come see him one time and none of that gets looked at when she decided to not be friends anymore. just cuz this bastards slept there twice doesnt mean shit but i guess im just saying all this for nothing. it doesnt matter to her anymore. well at least shes gunna help me out with finding a apt yeah i alteast get that much. well ill txt her about that in the middle of decemder. hope just keeps her word we shall see. ill keep you guys posted

i been txting her almost none stop cuz i dont wanna not be in her sons life. i love him and her but it loks like yamil won and i lost. my last txt i told her that im sorry and that this is my only change so i asked her to marry me. if shes making excuses to come see me then there has to be sumthing there unless im just missing somthing watch i hope whom ever is reading this can tell me.

i kinda knew this was gunna happen but didnt think it was gunna happen this soon. me and shante arent friends and i think this time its for good. she txted me saying that she has alot on her plate and she cant be puttin yamil on hold so in other words that was we cant be friends or i should say we can talk but only on txt and i dont want that so i think i just did her a favor and just left. we were going back and forth cuz what do you say to someone that youll never going to see.  so i said my peace. i told her that yamil has only been playin games and hasent been there for her like ive been. its funny after she posted about him not helping he spends the night and all is forgivin. i told her that hes not gunna do anything to help her better herself or tj. me saying that was like talking to the wall cuz i knew what answer i was gunna get. it want along the lines of well i did the samething when we was going out but its worst cuz we was together longer and that i wasnt there to help her. funny thing he is acting like i was but you have a chance to do sumthing about it but dont??? basically she chose yamil over me and ive been there for her thru all this. she said the only reason im doing all this now is cuz i want her back and its tru i told her that she right but its just more to it then me just doing it to get her back. in her eyes i cant change i cant grow up to be the father i know i can be. but at the end it didnt mean anything to her. she says shes still gunna help me find a apt but i dont care about that i want it with her even tho i kno its not gunna happen. i also get 10 minutes to say goodbye to tj on tuesday. how do i even go about saying goodbye to sumone i love so much?  im here crying cuz i have to say goodbye to sumone i care about sumone i wanted to see grow up and teach him things. i guess this is the most hardest thing ill ever do cuz saying goodbye to him is just me giving up but i have know other choice? life delt me these cards and i guess im gunnna finally gunna play them.

to shante i love you and hope you never forget me i guess im sorry for not knowing what i had till the end as corny as that sounds and just wish you wouldve givin me the chance i wanted the chance i deserve to show you that everything i did was for you and tj and that i did care and wanted nothing but the best for you. i know deep down your gunna miss me just like im gunna miss you. i wish you could just see that people can change and that i have changed but i know its to late and has fallen on  "deaf ears" i wish tj and you the best of luck and hope god puts you back in my life. love you

p.s. i just got a late txt from her and it said why dont i write about how all i wanted to do was take her to the hotel. ok lets talk about that. see outta all this time she still neva seen why i always take her to the hotel. all she say was fucking which she didnt mind doing btw. but she asked so im gunna answer it. see shante all you did was talk about how you neva wanna be home with ur mom  and since i dont have my own place i took her there to have fun. as a matter of fact if you read her blog she even says she likes going there so why even bring it up?? smh its sad when she doesnt see the good i do and all she sees was sex smh