yup im still here. not like im going anywhere lol. anyway its been kinda busy lately which is good in a way. keeps my mind off of certain things. well i been tryin to get this new job for awhile now. its a hallman job at a trump building in jersey city. so i have to update my resume for that. i also got 2 letters of recommdation so that should help out. i hope i get this job man lol. what else?? ummm oh yeah friday me and shante talked for alil bit so that was nice. yesterday was her birthday so i txted her happy birthday but didnt even get a thank you. so im guessing im back on her ignore list hahah hope not tho. i been kinda jumping the gun by looking for a apt in jersey city. right now i do wanna move there but if i dont get this job then im not. but we'll see what happens with that. oh and im sick =( which sucks hahaa. im thinking of taking off tuesday to relax and rest. well thats all thats been happen so far. as always ill keep you posted

yeah i hate days when i wake up and feel sorry for myself. sometimes i let my feelings get the best of me and this is one of those times lol. im here thinking about shante and getting sad and i dont want that anymore. i guess some of the regrets i have our starting to get to me. i do miss her and tj alot and as i write this i feel really bad. i wish i could just press a button and forget everything man. sometimes i feel like going to her job and trying to get her back but id be a fool to do that.  the first woman i every wanted to marry and start my own family with. some days are better then others i guess. now shes getting married and gunna have someones baby. that hurts more then anything. see thats what makes me think about her and thats the family i wanted. i never wanted any of that before. i didnt want kids or to get married but then i meet her. i wanted to have a baby girl with her so bad and to get down on one knee and ask her to be my wife. i txt her sometimes but she doesnt answer me. in a way i wanna thank her for that cause if she did id be back to square one. just hate that i still have these feelings and know that she isnt even thinking about me. i know i shouldnt be thinking of her but these damn feelings just dont wanna go away. can sumone please hit me with a car so i can just forget everything lmao.

well on a different note my date on saturday went well. i picked her up we went to eat but when we got to the movies it was closed. can you believe on a saturday nigt the movies closes at 11pm?!?!?!?!?!?!?!. so we went to pick up two of my friends and went to a strip club haha yeah it wasnt my idea it was hers so we went there had some drinks and left. then took everybody home and went to sleep. so i guess all in all everything is good. anyway il keep yall posted

yeah i got a date tonight with maxi. i called her and said we hardly see each otha so let me take you out so she said yes lol. so im taking her to city island so we can eat then to the movies. just dont know what we gunna see. ill let her pick something or does anybody know anything good playing??? im glad im doing something instead of just staying home thinkin of my ex specially when i know she aint thinking of me. anyway i cant wait for tonight to have some fun and ill let you guess know how it goes!!!

well i didnt get fired today so yeah its a better day hahaha. lastnight i slept so good man i didnt even wanna get up. i had a wonderful dream to. it started out with me just walkin in this park and someone jumpedon my back and whe i tured around it was tj. i was so happy to seehim i started tearing up. i give him abig hug and told him i missed him and the next thing to come outta his mouth was wheres tay lmao. tays my ferret by the way. anyway i asked where hes mom was and he grabed my hand and said ova here. thats when i saw shante. i just walked up to her and kissed her and walked away lol. yeah wish i was that brave to do sumthing like that in real life with any girl. im to shy for that. anyway that was my dream. right now im at work its kinda busy which is good cuz the time just goes by. i just order my ferret so liter and treats and now im just waiting for 4pm to come so i can get the hell outta here lol. as always ill keep you posted

well where do i begin lol. first i havent had a good night sleep in a long time. second today had to be the longest thursday i ever had. i mean being at word when theres nothing to do sucks man. god i hate working on these jewish holidays. oh and speaking of my job i think i might get fired soon. to make a long story short a alarm didnt go of when it was supposed to even tho the alarm said armed on it and somehow thats my fault!!!! so when the alarm came on when i was about to leave my boss was yelling at me saying why i lied for. smh god i hope tomorrow is a better day. last thing i need to do is get fired for sum bullshit and not get my bonus at the end of the fucking year. i need that so i can move to jersey plus i dont wana ruin my chances of getting that other job. anyway all keep yall posted

well i guess this is the final chapter in my life with shante. i txted her a while back and i kinda knew i wouldnt get a responce back but she txted me back just now. she told me the reason she hasnt txted me back is cuz she whats to move on with her life and she feels i should do the same. so i txted her back saying shes right which she is. i told her im happy for her but sad also cuz i wanted to spend my life with her. i would ask to be friends but id be just kidding myself. i told her for what its worth i love her and tj. i kinda wish i could see him one last time but im not gunna ask. at least i could say i tried my hardest to get her back. i did ask her if shes been thinking about me since we stop talkin but she didnt answer me. i kinda knew that was gunna happen. well shante if your reading this love you with all my heart and sorry. as always ill keep you posted

well i just finish reading someones post and part of it got me thinking. she was talking about being divorced and how her husband has someone new. i could kinda relate to that even tho i neva been married before. i myself lost someone i consider to this day my wife. but the part that got me thinking was her saying that she was bitter. in a way i can also relate to that. so many nights just thinking what could i have done to make things work or show that otha person that you are there for them no matter what. now after reading her blog i got the thinking am i bitter??? and yes iam. as much as i hate to admit it i still love her after 5 months of not being with her. now we werent married but she was the one i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. half of me wants everything to work out for her but the other half doesnt just so i could say told you so. yeah i know thats mean for me to say to someone i love but its true. i guess its the fact that theres another man doing everything i use to do. jealousy is something im not used to since i neva been jealous of anything but theres a first time for everything i guess lol. ok im done for now. ill keep yall posted as always

it is 1am right now and for the first time in a while i was sleeping good but .... my damn ferret got outta her cage and woke me up by licking my cheek so we could play hahahaha yeah it was cute but she scared the shit outta me. anyway dont u hate when u have one of those crazy dreams and u wake up like fuck i wanna know what happens next!! anyway right now im watch justin timberlakes concert on hbo and i gotta say its pretty good. i thought i wouldnt like it but its cool. that boy can dance his ass off man lol. anyway i didnt do shit today. it was to hot to do anything but i did speak to a old friend today. her name is maxi. now she does live near me but we hardly see each otha since we always busy. so we got to talk and she asked about shante and work and stuff like that. i told her i was moving to jersey and got a job lined up for me. talking to her is always fun. she knows how to put a smile on my face. im glad i got a good female friend to just talk to and joke around with. i wish me and her could hang out more but im always working and she got her kids to take care of. anyway back to laying down and tryin to get sum sleep. ill keep yall posted!!!

this is a poem a heard from a movie called atl. felt like sharing it with you guys. i think it was written by a man called antwone fisher. enjoy

Pleasure turns to the pain,
Of the lessons learned from the strain
Of the questions burned in my brain,
About whether to love is humane in its touch.
These thoughts are like salmon swimming upstream in the tears of your deceit. Fighting the current hurt that kills more than is created by the chaos of our intertwined emotions.
Chaotic because the anchor of Eros' arrow has been plucked from the vessel of my undying infatuation.
Separation not as simple as the distance between us.
My mind no longer possessed by the demons that had been the overseers of my enslavement to your lies.
The seeds of these lies rooted so deeply they have cracked the foundation of what we once shared.
Allowing the faith in us I had sealed inside to gush out like a river, ripping the image of our future together from my thoughts as violently and as brutally as if it were a child being taken from his mother's arms.
I'm left surrounded in darkness but I refuse to be swallowed by it.
My loneliness like the night air.
Invisible to the eye, obvious to the touch, In its cold uncomfortableness.
Yet if I could do it all over again, I'd do it in the same skin I'm in.
To lay down and let love die,
just stay down and let love lie,
no, no, not I.
I'll stay 'round and let love fly,
even though I have seen its darkest form, deceit.
Nothing else could taste this warm or feel this sweet

god i hate these types of nights. i havent slept good in a long time!! i guess i have alot of things on my mind like moving out and stuff like that. some reason i cant wait to move to jersey and start my new job ( if i get it lol ) already. jerseys gunna be a new start for me and cant wait for it to happen. anyway when i went to get dressed i went in my sock draw and saw that im missing like 10 pairs of socks, hmmmmm i wonder who took them. it was my damn ferret!!! lmao. she likes to hide my stuff man. so now i gotta look for them when i get home from work. oh yeah im at work right now which sucks cuz im tired and dont wanna be here. anyway back to looking for apts. oh i found one for 750 a month and its a few blocks from my job so i might check it out lol. i was gunna go to hoboken on monday with my friend to get some newspapers and books that show apartments but i think ill just go another time. i need some rest plus its gunna rain. i put a pic of someone special on my profile. when i get stressed or just sad i look at it and smile. hmm now that i write this i wish i knew how he was doing?. anyway im off to go downstairs and get sum rest. ill keep yall posted

well love could be the best thing or worst thing to happen to you. i say this cause im still in love with someone i can never see or get back. i found myself txting her to see if we could be friends but she doesnt txt me back anymore and even tho i wish she would im glad she didnt. i guess once you find the one you wanna be with for the rest of your life you really dont wanna let go. see thats my problem " letting go " i think its cause i wanted everything she wanted but she thought i didnt. like right now i wish i could see her and her son and just hug both of them but i cant and thats what hurts the most. i dont even know why im still holding on to someone that doesnt even want me anymore. like i said love could be the worst thing that happens to someone. i sent her a txt saying i knew u wouldnt answer back so i promised on her son that i wouldnt txt her know more. lol i could see her reading it like fuck you. i guess its really over but i always knew that guess just didnt wanna see it. i guess i jus had all this stuff planned for the two of them and now i cant do it. i so wanted to be the father of her son. now someone else is doing all that and i hate it. i could go on and on but i wont so its back to work for me. as always ill keep you posted

dont you hate it when your looking for something on the net find it then cant find it again??? yup thats whats what happen to me and im getting mad!!!! right now im at work doing some homework on apts in jersey and my boss comes in saying hes gunna take to his boss abut giving me a hallman job in a trump building over there called trump plaza. so i said ok go on the computer to see wheres the address for this trump place and i find it only to forget it and when i try to find it again i cant!!!!!. i been here for a hour already looking for that damn address already. anyway i been going to rent.com and looking for apts in jersey city. i take the address and put it on google earth so i can see what the area sumwhat looks like and i found a few good ones but this monday im going to go to hoboken with my friend and get some newspapers and apt books then have lunch at this chinese spot there. damn there food is good hahaha i can just taste the rice now hee hee. i also txted a few people so they can help me out. i even txt shante but didnt get a txt back so i guess she doesnt wanna help smh. anyway like always ill keep yall posted!!

is it me or is this year kinda goin by fast??? 3 more months and its gunna be 2008. where does the time go sumone tell me!!!!! anyway i guess i just dont wanna get old im already 24 hahaha . anyway its saturday which means im at work but im not bored which is a plus. still apt shopping. i found a few apts ill check out when i have time. i got a few people helping me out with that. oooh and my friend is having a baby. i cant believe ti cuz he hates kids but hes happy thats his gunna be a father. im happy for him and told him ill help in anyway i can. well after work i have nothing to do since im saving every cent i can to get my apt. i dont mind since im a home person anyway. give me a few good movies and im ok lol. well i guess im off to do sumthing. ill keep you posted!!

update - ok working on saturdays suck!!!!!! that is all